Saying Goodbye
by ntmnky
Summary: One of the Titans is saying goodbye. RaeBB.
1. A Prison of Stone

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans. But every once in a while, I wish I did.

AN: Sorry about the delay in getting this up. It has been… Challenging to make it what I wanted it to be.

Saying Goodbye - Chapter 1

* * *

It's time.

I know I'm going to go. And I know I don't want to.

And yet…. It would be worse – somehow – if I didn't. If I just stayed here in the confines of my room, my self-imposed prison.

I look at the old analog clock on the purple wall. The kind of clock that I've seen before in police stations, schools and prisons. Fitting that it's on my wall. The second hand is ticking slowly along. Tick. Tick. Tick. In twenty seconds it will be four-thirty in the afternoon. In twenty seconds I am going to do something that I have come to love and to loathe.

I think ever so briefly about what would happen if I didn't go this month. If I just stayed here. It's a fantasy that I know won't come true.

Ten seconds, and I am standing up. I smooth the wrinkles out of my cloak. Not that it matters. No one will see me – the same as it's been every month.

Five seconds and I reach out with my right hand. Using the smallest part of my power, I tear a hole through space. An ugly black gash appears before me. I can't see the other side of the portal, but I know where it ends.

Three seconds, and I lower my hand.

Two seconds, and I lift my left foot to start walking to the portal.

One second before four thirty in the afternoon, and I enter the portal, leaving Titans Tower.

* * *

It's dark in the cave. I wait in the cool, dark air as my eyes adjust. In the gloom, I find the worn rock shelf that I have sat on one afternoon each month for the last 17 months. Today, it's been a year and a half since she "died".

I move to sit on that rocky shelf, thinking about the times in the past that I have been here.

It's my twentieth visit to this place. For the eighteenth time since the Titans said goodbye to her, I am here to watch. And the feelings that lurk below the surface of my mind are begging to come forth and let forth their wrath.

The first time I was here, she was alive, and I hated her more than anything that I have ever known.

The second time I was here, I was in the company of the others, and we laid flowers at her feet. I still hated her, but for different reasons.

My third visit here, a month after she died, I came to tell her something. I wanted to tell her that I had been hurt by her. That I hated her for betraying us to Him. That I hated her for telling Him all of our secrets. All of the things that I shared with her. That her betrayal was far more than simply allowing a bunch of robots into our home to destroy us.

And I wanted very badly to tell her that I was glad that she was gone. And that I hated her for what she had done to the team. What she had done to …. him.

In the days following her sacrifice, the team had become sullen and listless. Each of us, I believe, was blaming ourselves for the failure. Robin was angry that he hadn't seen through her. Starfire, hurt that she had been lied to. Cyborg had lost a good friend, and another person to play games with. I was angry that the others hadn't listened to me, and angrier still that I had been lulled into a sense of cautious amenity with her.

And Beast Boy…. He spent much of that first month alone in his room. As I went from my room to the roof, I would often hear the muffled whimpers of a dog behind his door. A dog that I knew would be green if I opened the door.

That first month after her death… I stood there in front of her, ready to unleash the full might of my powers and obliterate her statue. The only thing preventing me from doing it was a tiny voice in the back of my head which said, "If you do this, you will be giving yourself to your father."

The vengeful portion of my mind countered, saying that it would be a small price to pay, to see her obliterated from the world. But that thought was interrupted when I had heard someone coming down the cave behind me. I wanted my vengeance on Terra to be a private thing, so I had ripped a hole through space to the convenient ledge upon which I now sat.

Seventeen months ago I sat on this ledge, and watched as Beast Boy shuffled down the cave. His eyes were red from the tears flowing freely down his face. In his left hand, there had been a small bunch of asclepias.

Unable to look away, I watched as he had mumbled something to the statue before collapsing in front of it and sobbing. And as he cried in front of her, my hate grew hot. She had taken all the happiness from the carefree, fun-loving jokester of the team, and I knew then what it was to hate with all of my being.

Feeling my powers begin to rush away from my control, I used the last bit of control I had to teleport someplace over the vast Pacific ocean. There I screamed and let loose the pent up energy of hate freely into the sky. And as I finished screaming, it was there that I began to meditate. Trying to shore up the walls that I could feel my father trying to tear down.


	2. More Time

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans. Darn it.

AN: Yes, this does take place before The End. And yes, it's about darn time I got it up.

Chapter 2 – More Time

* * *

I sit down on that rock shelf, my back against the rock wall, my feet dangling in space below me. The stone under me is cold, and I think to myself "I shouldn't be here." Much the way I sat here months ago.

After the first visit where I saw Beast Boy crying at the foot of her statue, he had begun to act more like himself. He was playing video games with Cyborg again. Arguing about how much better tofu was than meat. And yet he still was not going out of his way to annoy me. Instead of resuming all of his prankster ways there had still been a melancholy surrounding him. It was eerie in a way, watching Beast Boy reflect parts of me. The parts that pretend I don't feel.

We could all tell he wasn't alright – _I_ could tell he wasn't alright. If someone mentioned her name, he would quietly get up and leave the room. And Robin would stop any of us who tried to follow him, simply saying, "He just needs some time."

"More time," seemed to be the magical cure in Robin's opinion. I wonder how much more time he'll need to come to terms with their death… I've seen through Robin's eyes, and I do not know if there will ever be "more time" enough for him.

I hate to admit to it, but as the second month since her death approached I was beginning to miss our team prankster's ways. Two months without having cause to yell at Beast Boy is a long time. And as the date grew closer, Beast Boy had become increasingly more reserved. The day that marked the second month since she died, he didn't even argue with Cyborg about the evils of meat for breakfast. I sat in my chair and I watched him over the edge of my tea cup, and he just said, "Whatever," while walking away.

At four-thirty that afternoon, I was sitting on the shelf of rock high above the statue of our betrayer. At four-thirty, Beast Boy came down the cave. Beast Boy who was never on time for anything so long as I had known him had managed to arrive at the exact time of her sacrifice two months in a row. It… irked me.

In his left hand, he carried a small bunch of daffodils. They had been her favorite flower in life. He stood before the statue fall to his knees as though his strength had left him. He placed the flowers at her feet, crossed his arms and rested his head on them. And then he had started crying. It began slowly at first, but increased in intensity until he was sobbing.

Again I felt the white hot heat of anger. I was angry that she could have betrayed us like she did. Angry that she had hurt Beast Boy this badly. And I was angry that I had trusted her. And that I hadn't stopped her. That I trusted her. Once again my rage rose. And once again I had fled the cave, my emotions threatening to overwhelm me.

Spent and drained, I vowed that I would never again set foot in that cave. It was too dangerous for me. Too tempting to let my father loose and destroy the statue of that … girl … And the world that let her exist.

* * *

On the cold rock shelf, I pull my legs up to my chest, and rest my arms on them.

After that second time watching Beast Boy collapse and grieve her passing, I began watching Beast Boy carefully. I had told myself I was concerned for him because of what it meant to the team. I told myself that I would want anyone who had gone through what he had to feel better. I told myself that my watching was not because I cared.

I lied to myself.

After the second visit, Beast Boy was more nearly himself than any of us had seen since her betrayal. Mornings were spent arguing with Cyborg about food, or trying to amuse me with his childish jokes. His afternoons were spent playing against something on the GameStation against Cyborg or Robin. And when Starfire accidentally mentioned her, Beast Boy didn't leave the room. He merely grew quiet for a moment before the GameStation blissfully distracted him.

If only I hadn't seen his eyes in that moment. They were filled with a pain that I know all too well. The pain of wanting to feel something but refusing too. The insidious denial of self that leads to self loathing.

On the day that marked the third month since her death, I had planned to be busy at four-thirty in the afternoon. It was dangerous for me to go there. I had spent a week locked in my room meditating the last time I'd gone. A week trying to repair the defenses I used to kept my emotions in check. And while I liked my alone time, I didn't like it _that _much. And yet, as four thirty approached, I found that my plans were cancelled, delayed or altered, allowing me to slip off to the cave.

Again, Beast Boy was on time. And again he carried flowers. This time was different though. This time I had watched as he laid the flowers down, knelt by her feet, laid his head down and began talking quietly.

I wanted to hear what he said to her, but I could not risk moving from where I was perched. As I sat there I could see that his eyes were wet with unshed tears.

As I watched, it had not occurred to me to wonder where my anger was. Instead, I had been amazed at the power she still seemed to hold over him. For three months he had arrived on time. Beast Boy, the Titan "Most Likely to Sleep Through the Apocalypse", had managed to arrive at the precise moment of her death three times now.

Quietly I sat and watched as he spoke to her statue for nearly a half hour. When he was done, I watched as he slowly stood, stretched his legs and winced. I could not help the smirk that crept to my lips as I watched him stomp his right foot and then stumble around as he had tried to walk on it. Apparently he had allowed his leg to fall asleep. I remember watching as he waved to the statue, and limped slowly out of the cave. Once I was certain he was I had slipped off the rock shelf and levitated down to stand in front of her.

Face to face with my nemesis, I merely asked that motionless effigy, "What did he say to you?"


	3. Vicarious Emotions

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans. And I don't have enough money to make suing me worthwhile.

AN: Sometimes the stories in my head get lazy. Other times they just have to get out as fast as they can. This one has done both. Oh, and there are reasons for the kinds of flowers BB has been bringing.

Chapter 3 – Vicarious emotions

* * *

I slowly stretch my neck as I wait. For the first time in months Beast Boy is late, and I begin to wonder where he is. I close my eyes and slow my breathing so I can better hear. 

Over the last months it has become a ritual for me. A hated, loathed, addictive, self-deprecating ritual. I come to the cave just ahead of Beast Boy and I watch as he cries and talks. And while he talks to her, I feel. Unable to allow myself to have my own emotions, I have been living vicariously through his.

It had changed that third month when he didn't cry. No longer did I feel the burning white hate I had come accustomed to. Instead I had been overcome with curiosity. I wanted to know what it was he said to her. I remember deciding that day that I would be prepared next time. And being confused that I planned on being there again.

"This is a private moment for him. I should not be intruding," I had told myself. And yet…

As that fourth month passed, Beast Boy was more nearly himself. And for me that was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, he was no longer usurping my place as the melancholy team member. And I no longer had to see the reflections of me in his face. On the other hand, Beast Boy was once again doing his best to fill the role of annoying green jester. Since I met him I have often wondered what it was I had done that karmic balance required him in my life.

The longer she was gone, the more we returned to our version of normal life. Daily fights over food between Cyborg and Beast Boy. Starfire's open fascination with Robin. The three boys playing something on the GameStation at all hours of the day. Robin's never-ending obsession to right the injustices he saw in the world. And me, sitting alone behind my book, sipping my tea, watching it all.

Until the day marking the fourth month after she died came.

That day found me in her cave on the ledge well ahead of Beast Boy. And there I did something I have become quite good at, and even better at disliking myself for doing. I used a tiny bit of my powers to bend space in the cave so that any sounds heard near the statue would also be heard on my ledge. The hard part was leaving space bent so that sounds on the ledge did not travel back to the statue.

Satisfied that I would be able to hear what Beast Boy said to her remains, I had settled down on the ledge and waited. Once again Beast Boy had arrived on time bearing flowers. Mixed zinnias that time. Once again Beast Boy had laid the flowers at her feet and knelt down in front of her. And as he had done the previous month, he began talking.

I had held my breath when he started, ashamed that I was listening, but unable to stop myself and return reality the way it should be.

"Hey, Terra," he'd begun. "Another month has passed and life in the Tower is still happening. Cyborg is still eating meat," Beast Boy's face had screwed up in distaste as he said that, "Robin is still obsessed with Slade… That bit with Slade's mask really didn't do him any good, you know? Star is still following Robin around like a puppy. And Raven is still creepy."

Beast Boy had spent the next half-hour telling Terra what had happened in our lives over that past month. Our run-ins with criminals that should have known better. Our training. His pranks and the ones Cyborg played on him. And through his telling I had begun to see our life in the Tower differently. With emotions.

When Beast Boy had finished his tales to Terra, he stood to leave the cave. And as he turned away, I had seen the slightest hint of tears in the corners of his eyes.

I had counted to thirty before I smoothed out the fabric of space, allowing sound to travel as it should. Then I had waited another five full minutes before slipping off my ledge and floating to land in front of her.

I stood there staring at her for a very long time, my eyes trying to burn holes through the stone.

"How can he talk to _you_ like that?"

* * *

Still expecting the arrival of Beast Boy, I bent space in that now familiar way so I could hear what he said to her. And I waited, a small part of me hoping that he would not come today, and that I could quit this emotional voyeurism. 


	4. Beautiful Lies

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans. But I would like them for Chanukah.

AN: For other writers… Best (free) dictionary and thesaurus I know of.

Chapter 4 – Beautiful Lies

* * *

I can hear the soft shuffle of feet from up the cavern. Beast Boy, while late visiting for the first time since she died, has arrived. I let out a tiny sigh of relief. As much as have I hated coming here and listening, I think I would scream if Beast Boy did not come.

In the months since I started coming here, first to destroy her, then to watch Beast Boy, and finally to listen to Beast Boy share our lives with a statue, I have become addicted to the little bits of emotion that I am seeing through Beast Boy.

Since that fourth month after her death, Beast Boy's visits have been frighteningly similar. As have mine. I arrive early, bend reality to listen, and sit on the rock ledge high above him. He brings her flowers and talks. Sometimes he cries. Sometimes he laughs. And I listen to it all and instead of experiencing my own emotions, I experience Beast Boy's.

And I wonder why I do it.

Why do I come to this cave and watch Beast Boy relive his life for Terra? The good and the bad. The boring parts and the heart stopping adventures. And why does it hurt deep in my chest when Beast Boy cries? And why do I want to burst open when he giggles about our adventures?

I have been denying the truth for months now. I don't want it to be true, but I've known since the sixth month he came here. I deeply care for Beast Boy. I don't know if I love him. It doesn't feel like the starry-eyed lovesickness that Starfire talks about after she reads one of those romance novels she has recently become enamored with.

Sixth months after Terra's death found me listening in to Beast Boy as he spoke to Terra's statue. Again he had brought her flowers, orange blossoms this time. And he started telling her about life in the Tower. He was talking to her statue in the easy-going way that he would talk to Cyborg. How he used to talk to her when she was alive.

I had been mesmerized, listening as Beast Boy told the story of the Titan's past month. His voice lulled me, his emotions took me on a journey I had not been ready to experience directly. And as I listened I realized something. Of all the Titan's, as annoying and frustrating as he can be, right then, Beast Boy was the most important part of the team.

I had almost gasped aloud when that thought entered my mind, stopping myself only because Beast Boy might have heard. How could I think that that obnoxious, easily distracted, unfunny green thing was important? And yet…

I had come here first to destroy the last remnants of our betrayer. His betrayer. I had been paying ever more attention to him since her death. First to see that he was going to be okay, then because it had become a habit. I had been coming to the cave to listen to him recount our lives, even though I knew listening to him was wrong.

And I could not stop myself.

That day I told myself that my concern was merely the one that a friend – no, a teammate – would have for another teammate. And once again I lied to myself.

* * *

Beast Boy's visit on the anniversary of her death confirmed what I had long known and dreaded. My concern for him was not merely what one teammate has for another.

That morning, we had held a memorial service for Terra at the Tower. Robin had spoken a tribute to her, recognizing her fall and her redemption. Starfire had broken out in tears for her lost friend with whom she had frequently gone to "the Mall of Shopping". Cyborg had tried to comfort her while keeping an eye on Beast Boy. And I had done my best to stay out of the way.

Well, stay out of the way and watch Beast Boy.

Where Starfire cried, Beast Boy seemed to withdraw. When Robin spoke of Terra's final sacrifice, Beast Boy's eyes moistened, but he did not cry. And when Cyborg had tempted the green teen to join us for a vegetarian meal in Terra's honor, Beast Boy merely said, "I can't. I'm not hungry." And he had walked away from the Tower, headed to the streets of Jump City.

When Robin got up to go after him, it was I who spoke. "No, Robin. Let me," I had simply stated.

Inside I was churning, worried that Beast Boy would do something stupid, and terrified that I would only make it worse.

I followed him for a while, only slightly surprised to see that he was going to the cave. When I had become sure of where he was going, I had twisted space and stepped through the black wound in reality to my ledge. There I wove the fabric of space so I could listen to him.

That day, he had shuffled in, precisely on time and fall to his knees in front of her statue. And he cried. And as he sobbed out how much he missed her, my heart hurt. Each soft muttering of, "I miss you so much," twisted in my chest. And then I knew. I could no longer tell myself the beautiful little lies.

As much as I cared for Beast Boy, I hated her because of what she had done to him. I hated her for the hurt she had caused him.

And for the time she took away from me.


	5. Saying Goodbye

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans. I do have a bit of packet lint you can have.

AN: Yes, this is the end of this story. I hope you've enjoyed it.

For those who are wondering, a quick google search will frequently shed light on any symbolism or hidden meanings I try to sneak in on you.

Stylistically, for this story, I have made a conscious effort to avoid the direct involvement of the manifestations of Raven's emotions. Perhaps in the next story…

Chapter 5 – Saying Goodbye

* * *

I sigh softly as Beast Boy enters my sight. He's late, but he is carrying flowers. A bundle of zinnias today. I listen to the soft rustle of the flowers as he lays them at the base of the statue, and I close my eyes, trying to slow my breathing.

When I open my eyes again, Beast Boy is sitting down in front of the statue, his forearms resting on his knees. He opens his mouth to speak, and then closes it again. Never since I started listening has Beast Boy hesitated like this.

"Look, um, Terra," he began, "I really don't know how to say this. I don't want you to hate me or be mad at me, but… Terra, I can't come here anymore. I have to move on with my life. The Titans need to move on."

Beast Boy's words struck me like a thunderbolt. I sat in stunned silence as he reached up and wiped away a tear that was slowly running down his cheek.

"I'm going to talk to Robin tomorrow about packing up your room… I'm going to be there to make sure that nothing gets broken or anything and make sure it's all there in case…" I listened as Beast Boy choked back a sob, "Just in case we find a way to get you back."

I felt my world crashing down around me. I needed Beast Boy to come here. I needed him to talk about what was going on with the Titans. I needed to watch him feel. As much as I hated it, this was the only time I could get closer to Beast Boy without one of his corny jokes coming along and ruining the moment.

"I've been thinking," Beast Boy laughed a little. "Thinking really isn't one of my strengths, you know? But you know those times we talked about what we wanted with our lives." Beast Boy breaks into that crooked smile of his, "And you always told me that we needed to be happy with our lives, and to do the best we could with what we were given. I didn't know what you meant before… But now I think that at the end you did to the very best you could with what you had. And I think I have been clinging to something I don't have anymore."

As Beast Boy speaks, my own heart is beating as hard and as fast as it ever has. I have hated myself for coming and listening, and I have grown to need it. What will I do if I can not come here and listen?

"I am never going to forget you, Terra. You were the first girl that I think I can say I loved… You weren't the first to accept me as I am, but you were the first that laughed at my jokes and you didn't call me an annoying green elf." Beast Boy sighs softly before continuing, "I want to live a full and happy life – and I think that's what you wanted for me – I have to quit looking back and start living in today."

Inside I am being swallowed by despair. Beast Boy _loved_ her. Where does that leave me, I wonder?

Beast Boy traces a circle in the dirt next to him with the fingers of his right hand. He sighs before he continues, "I will always remember you Terra. You hold a special place in my heart." I watch as Beast Boy looks up at Terra's frozen visage and sighs. "You deserve to know… There is someone else I, um, want to get to know better. She, um, wasn't really one of your biggest fans for a long time, but that's kinda the way she is."

My heart skipped a beat and I quit breathing. For months I have been secretly listening to Beast Boy share his life with a statue, and slowly coming to terms with the fact that I care for him. True, he can annoy me faster and more thoroughly than anyone else, but he has always been there for me. And I have just heard him imply that he wants to know me better.

Beast Boy stands, brushing the dirt from his legs. "So, um, we cool?" he asks the rocky effigy. He chuckles a tiny bit and breaks into one of his toothy grins. "I know we are. I am so sorry things weren't different, but…" His voice trails off and he hugs the stony remains of Terra. Breaking the hug, he turns and walks slowly out of the cavern.

I sit on the shelf, heart and mind racing, breathing stalled. The best and worst possible things have just happened to me. He's not going to come here anymore, and I will no longer have to shamefully hide myself as I listen. Which means I will no longer see our lives through his eyes. But he wants to get to know me better. What am I going to do?

After several long minutes, I levitate down from my ledge and come to rest in front of Terra. I am confused, terrified and relieved all at once. I want to scream and cry and jump with joy. And the black aura of my powers is slowly creeping over the floor and walls in the cave.

I am still angry with Terra. I am upset that Beast Boy will not be coming here as he has been. I am scared about what tomorrow will bring.

And then the words of Beast Boy drift through my head. _I have to quit looking back and start living in today_.

The simple truth in those words astounds me. I have been coming here, reliving my anger with Terra, and the things that happen to the Titans through Beast Boy. And I have been denying a growing interest in a certain green teenager, all because it has been easier to live in the past and I am scared of the future.

"I need to learn to live in today." The sound of my voice startles me back to awareness. Seeing the black aura spreading through the cavern I pause and carefully pull my powers back under reign.

I turn to the figure of Terra and simply say, "Goodbye."


End file.
